An Absence

So it's been a long while since the last time I've posted something.

This is for many reason.

1) I haven't had anything that I felt was worth typing.
2) I've been lazy.

and..

3) I'm starting to get overwhelmed.

It's a funny thing, the mind. Sometimes it puts you into these slumps of emotions and actions that are abnormal. I don't know what causes it, or how to stop it, it just happens every so often.

That's what the last couple weeks have been for me. A weird time.

I'm beginning to get overwhelmed with everything that I have to do at the beginning of next year.

Phi Delta Theta Officer Position
Ignite Leadership
Head Resident of North
Music Lessons
Scot Ambassador Stuff
Fall Rush

The list goes on...
This is all stuff that I have chosen to do. Can I handle it? Yes.

So why have I become overwhelmed, because sometimes I get caught up in all these things that I'm doing, I forget why I'm doing them.

Sometimes you lose who you are for a while and that is what has been happening to me lately. I think it's all part of this "reflective summer" that I keep mentioning. I'm just learning more and more about myself as I go along. It hasn't been easy, but so far it has been worth it.

So sometimes we have it...that Absence of ourselves in our life.

Why do I do the things I do?
I do it because I love people, I love helping people, and I love being with people. Whether it's teaching new guys about the fraternity, or leading them in worship at Ignite. I love to connect with people, because when they connect with me I hope that they in someway are connecting with God, who works through me.

So is it bad to have that absence in your life? Probably sometimes, I'm not sure yet. But one thing is for sure...that absence will pass and you will begin to realize you motivations again. This might be over some of your heads, because I don't think I've articulated myself the best that I could.

But the truth is...(and Ian can tell you this)...I'm not the best at articulating things. I may have wonderful thoughts and ideas sometimes...but I need somebody to draw them out of me in the right kind of articulation. This is why I'm a people person, not only do I hope to draw the best out of my friends, but they certainly draw the best out of me.

So...my challenge to you?
What are your motivations? When you are having absence of who you are, how do you get out of it?

Well, I guess those aren't really challenges..but they are challenging questions.

Going Through A Slump

So it's been a while since I've written anything. The purpose of this blog was to write about my thoughts and interactions with and about God. The reason I haven't written anything is very simple:

I haven't wanted to. I don't feel close to God right now.

Many of us go through this, we tend to call it a slump. Slumps are common in any relationship, I remember hearing a counselor speak about how going through a slump in a relationship is actually healthy because it means you are expressing your emotions.

I don't know if that's true or not, but I have certainly gone through slumps not only in my relationship with God, but with others as well.

So what do you do when you're in a slump?

The Answer: Exactly what you were doing before you were in the slump.

I hear many talk about how they won't worship if they don't feel it, because they don't want to be "going through the motions". While I agree that it is not healthy to just play "through the motions" I think there is a fine line in what that means.

The biggest thing that I took away from the movie Fireproof is this simple quote:

"Love in it's truest sense, is continuing even when you don't 'feel' like it. To give without the hope of a reward or personal satisfaction."

To go through the motions means that you are performing actions for the wrong purpose. If I were to worship to fit in or to get the attention of a Christian girl, that would be going through the motions.

To worship even when you don't "feel it" is what worship truly means. The word worship means "to apply worth to". What part of that definition says we will be receiving anything?

This applies to any part of your relationship with God; reading your bible, praying, and fellowship. To continue to do these things even when you're in a slump, that is what it means to love God.

To be able to show love even when you can't feel it is love in itself.

Love is not just an emotion, but rather an action.

So when you hit a slump like I have, keep moving forward. Continue to do the things you were doing, because your feelings and emotions will come back in time, it's your actions that can define your relationship. Even when you don't feel like learning in a classroom, it's still possible to understand the lesson.

My Challenge to you this week:

Look at your life and realize when you are going through these slumps. What is something you can do to keep yourself going?

The Outsider's Perspective

Yesterday morning I was given the task of using the weed eater around every tree in the front lawn of Monmouth College. In case you haven't seen the front lawn, there are somewhere between 30 and 40 trees. What makes the task even worse is the placement of the trees, they are not planted in neat rows, but rather it looks as if someone just started throwing seeds around.

This, as you can imagine, made it a tedious task. I looked at the jumble of trees and came up with a perfect plan as to how I was going to go about my task. As I went about my business my supervisor followed behind with the weed sprayer before he put down the mulch.

A long while later (and I mean a long while) I had finished. I looked across the lawn at all the trees and went over them to make sure one hadn't been missed. Confident with my job I waited for my supervisor to catch up.

A few minutes later he came up to me and told me I had done a good job, but I had missed a few trees. This baffled me, I was positive I had gone over all of them, but he was right. He took me over to the trees I had missed. They weren't even bundled together as if I had missed a patch, instead they were spread throughout the lawn like little holes in my patchwork.

This experience spoke to me as a metaphor for things that happen in our lives. Look at the lawn with the trees as your potential in your life. The plan I had to weed eat all the trees was the plan that we have laid down for our lives, or a specific part of our life. I went through following my plan as best as I could, considering the random placement of the trees.

When I was done, even though I felt I had covered everything, I was shown the spots in which I had missed, overlooked, or forgotten about. If it weren't for that outsider's point of view, I would have never realized some of the mistakes I made. I would have never realized how to better my plan and make sure that next time it wouldn't happen.

Many times we try to go through life by ourselves, not letting anybody in. But if we don't let somebody in on our thoughts, plans and emotions then we will be blind to the spots in our lives that have holes in them. If we have an outsider's point of view, many times we can realize and learn from our mistakes.

The dreaded word accountability comes to mind. When this word is mentioned, many people assume a negative connotation to it. Someone who keeps us accountable just tells us what we're doing wrong, this is not true. A person we set to keep us accountable is there to point out those missed trees in our lives, and to help us complete the job if necessary.

Don't look at accountability as being told what you are doing wrong, rather look at it as something that allows you to see your holes, fix them, and create a better plan for next time. It is something that should also be encouraging and not negative.

Sometimes we need that outsider's perspective because we can't always see everything around us, even if we think we do.

Who is the outsider currently in your life, and how much of your plans and thoughts do you let them see?

Challenges From Within

Many of us go through struggles in our relationship with God, or as Christians in general. We lose our jobs, we lose our loved ones, and we struggle with our actions. But many of us choose to hide or ignore the challenges that come from within, our emotions.

As most of you know I am working a full time maintenance job this summer at Monmouth College. The first five hours of my day, from 7am-12pm are spent cleaning rooms in North Hall. This task is fairly easy, washing windows, cleaning walls, scrubbing bathrooms, and vacuuming floors.

My favorite part about this time is the fact that I'm allowed to listen to my music while I do these things. I haven't mentioned before, but one of the ways that God speaks to me is in the form of music. This isn't necessarily worship or Christian music, actually most of the time it comes from the messages of secular music.

Just like the Bible, there are times I will be listening to music and a new message shows itself to me. This is what has been happening the last couple of days. Two days ago I was listening to a couple C.D.'s by a band that I have probably listened to at least a hundred times. Although I've listened to this band often, a new message spoke to me through their music.

It was the message of learning to love again.

It's not that I've been holding on to a hope that I will get back together with Kathy, but rather I am too afraid to open myself up to get hurt again. How have I come to realize this?

That is what this morning's music selection taught me. I realized that although it has been over three months now, I am still hurt from my relationship with Kathy. I do not want to be with her anymore, in fact I have now found myself being attracted to others. But knowing that she chose someone else over me still hurts. Feeling insignificant, abandoned, angry, and missing having someone around are things that I've been feeling at times, but have been burying inside.

Once in a while I will feel these pains and suppress them to where I don't have to think about them. I then tell myself that I've been getting over it, and although it is partly true, I have come to realize that I need to come to terms with my feelings and emotions.

This is another part of my "Summer of Reflection". I believe God is putting me here so that I may struggle with myself, so that I may face my emotions and deal with them instead of suppressing them. He is challenging me to face my pain, and rely on his help to go through it. He is causing me to reflect not only on my relationship with him, but my relationship to others and how I want them to be.

We all have our inner struggles. After we are hurt by someone, many of us tend to suppress how we feel. We either tell ourselves we will think about it later, or that we are in the process of healing. This is not healthy for us, as we suppress our thoughts and emotions it changes how we interact with others, and how we view ourselves.

God has challenged me to face the challenges within me, to go through the pain all over again, so that I may get through it. A friend of mine a few weeks ago suggested that I grab my music, take a walk, and go through all the painful emotions I possibly can, to confront them instead of hiding from them. This is what i'm going to do today and I pray that God leads me through it, and shows me how I may take strength from him. For this is something else I've been struggling with, finding happiness in his strength.

I will face my inner challenges because when we hide them or put them off, they get far worse than they originally were, they turn into things such as paranoia, bitterness, and depression. None of these things are healthy for us physically or spiritually.

As I end this post I challenge anybody reading this to face your inner challenges, to go through your emotions and come through them as a stronger person. And of course, take God on your journey with you. Tell him how you feel, even though he already knows. It is therapeutic.

Think of it this way, when we do something wrong...even if the person wronged knows about it, we always feel relieved when we finally tell them. We feel relieved when we tell our friends about something good or bad that has happened, do the same with God and you won't leave feeling empty.

What are the inner challenges God has presented you with?

A Summer of Reflection

So summer has started. My friends have left. I have said goodbye to the seniors and now it is time to get to work. This summer I felt called to stay at Monmouth and work a full time maintenance job, though I haven't been positive as to why God has called for such a thing.

The job itself is fairly simple. I do everything from cleaning to mowing. The hard part has been at 4:00pm when work is over and I have to go back to my room. For the previous three days I was the only one still living in Cleland Hall. I had to pack in order to move on Wednesday night and therefore spent my time from 4pm-11pm completely alone.

This was not easy to do, as most people know I am what you would call a "people person." To be left alone with myself came with a lot of challenges. I sometimes prefer to be alone, but when it is forced upon you it is a different story. I have come to realize that I look for myself in what I see in other people. What I mean is that I look towards other people to give me satisfaction and happiness.

This habit became even worse during these last few days. I spent most of my time texting a new friend of mine, and the rest of the time wondering why they weren't responding to me.

This can become very stressful on a relationship because humans are not meant to be able to provide that much attention and devotion. The kind of attention I demanded became damaging to myself. It started eating at me as I began to think "maybe this person doesn't like me, or doesn't want to talk to someone like me." This in turn causes your friendship or relationship with this person to become strained or even broken for a time. You become paranoid or doubtful of the persons intentions and actions.

I noticed that one thing I did not do during these two days was talk to God. I might have offered a prayer once or twice, but I never truly sat down to talk or to listen. This is because I was "looking for love in all the wrong places."

I sought appreciation and love from a source that couldn't provide that to me. This was only one person, and the kind of attention I needed was something that only God could give me.

When it came down to it and I was all alone, I realized that I found fulfillment in others, people that can come and go at any time.


Once I stepped back and checked my motivations I realized I was in so much pain because what I wanted could not be provided by anything on this earth. I was looking into a well that could only provide a certain amount of water to me. God is a bottomless well, one that can keep on providing for as long as you choose to drink. I chose to drink from the first well and soon realized that the second well is the one that I needed.

So is there a deeper message to this post? Nope. God provides a love that nothing or no one else can provide, and to those who look for water in other wells will soon come to realize how often they find themselves searching for new ones.

As I went through this first trial at the beginning of this summer, I am beginning to realize God's purpose for me here. I feel that God is shaping me, molding me into something, although I'm not sure what it is yet. This summer is going to be a time of reflection and growth. I also feel that there are many more trials ahead of me, as God continues to teach me more about myself, and about my relationship with him.

Bottom Line: When you get caught up in everything around you, shut the world off. Take a step back and reflect upon your motivations, actions, and emotions. Look at everything you do and ask yourself why you do it. I feel this is part of my purpose this summer, to go through this reflection process and share it.

Side Effects

My next post was suppose to be a continuation of my previous post "Turning Point." But instead I feel called to type this tonight.

A couple days ago my best friend and I started fighting. I will not go into the details because it is his business. The main part is that I was trying to hold him accountable and he didn't like that too much. I will admit on my half that I wasn't exactly tactful about it. Bottom Line: Miscommunication.

By the end of the night this had turned into a big thing where I stormed off saying we couldn't be friends because I don't believe in having shallow friendships. (I tend to be dramatic at times.) After pouting for a few minutes I headed over to my friend Jason's house. (He is my spiritual mentor and I definitely needed some mentoring at the time) Immediately he had my two best friends come over so we could all three talk this out. (The argument involved both of them)

This at first didn't turn out so well, we each told our side of the story and after seeing where it was heading I stormed out to finish some homework. Half an hour later I walked back in to Jason's house to find my friends still sitting there. I can't remember all the details but we started talking again.

What it boiled down to was my best friend felt uncomfortable with me asking him questions, he didn't like how vague they were. This is completely understandable and I should take the time to make him feel more comfortable considering I want to be able to counsel/console him.

So why is this post called Side Effects?

Here's the big part of what happened that night. I had been crying a bit already but then Jason mentioned the name of my ex-girlfriend (Kathy) and I lost it. I spent the next few minutes sobbing while he gave me a hug. (Thank you Jason) This right here is what that entire night boiled down to. Me being reminded that I am not all better, that I am still broken, and that God is still doing a work in my life.

What came out of that night was the realization that what happened between Kathy and I had a major side effect. What is it?

I stopped believing I can be loved or appreciated, and indeed still feel that way although it is something I am learning day by day.

For the last three years I was told by her that she loved me, that I was her favorite person in the world, that she would always love me. I was convinced that there was no one else in the entire world who could love me as much as her. She showed it to me everyday in the way she looked at me, the way she talked to me, and the way she smiled at me.

Now everyday I walk across campus and see her holding someone else's hand. Just three days after we broke up she told me that she didn't love me, that she would never love me again, and that she was basically with someone else. The next day I saw the new guy she was with get a text from her. It said "I love you :)".

Although not even my best of friends knew it at the time, I was crushed beyond what I thought could be repaired. The one person I thought for sure would never stop loving me, who had convinced me of that through a 3 year time span, had stopped loving me.

If she could just change like that, so could other people right? Although I didn't realize it until just a few nights ago, I stopped believing that people could love me or value me.

I was constantly searching for it, I needed to see it physically or else I couldn't see it at all. It's like being in complete darkness and somebody turning on the lights for a quick second. You are left craving more, and forget about the light that you had previously had. You just keep searching to have it again.

Jason help me to realize something, I was looking for love in the wrong places. I was searching to see it on someone else's face, and not look for it from God. This sounds like a typical Christian revelation right? Well maybe it is, but here is the difference.

Just because I realize it, doesn't mean i'm better. I still can't look anybody in the eyes when they tell me they love me,appreciate me, or look up to me. I am not better yet, I am still broken. That was the purpose of the other night, not for me to suddenly get better, but for me to realize that i'm not better, that I am still sick.

So this is the challenge in my life right now. To try to understand God's love for me, and let that be enough. Easy? No. Worth it? Yes. Why is it worth it? Because if I continue to look for love only in the things on this earth, I will constantly have to search for something new. People move away, leave, or die. Objects break, rust, or get lost. God is consistent and will always be there, before and after my life.

I do want to thank all of those out there who tell me they appreciate me, or love me, or look up to me. I know that this is something that I will get through.

The bible says in Romans that all things God will work together for my good. This is something that I will hold on to. Especially in this time of brokenness. Jason told me that God works things out in our lives that need to be fixed, when we ask him to he will Chisel off the things that cause us to not be in his image, but it will hurt. It does hurt. I still hurt.

God, thank you for caring enough to chisel aways my imperfections. Thank you for working in my life even though it hurts. Thank you for giving me the people around me who give me encouragement. Although it's hard for me to understand how they can appreciate or love me, I love them and I am thankful for them everyday.

The Turning Point

Praise the Lord for he is good. These are words that I can truly say I have not said on my own accord, but tonight I break the silence.

Three months ago if you were to ask me how my life is going you would have received my typical answer. "It's pretty good" or "No complaints here." I would have believed myself at the time.

Fast forward a month later and my entire life is upside down. What happened? My girlfriend of almost three years was no longer my girlfriend. She had already moved on to someone else and I was left trying to figure out who I was. By no means was the blame to be put fully on her, we each had our difficulties. I don't know how many of you have been with someone for at least a couple of years, but you tend to mold them into part of your life and if you're not careful the relationship can become who you are.

This is exactly what happened to me, she had become my identity. It is only now that I notice that I had spent much of my time with other people relating conversations back to her instead of my own interests or history. I had changed much of who I was and what I liked in order to be with her. So imagine what happens when something or someone that important or connected in your life disappears. You are left face down on the floor trying to figure out what happened, and who you ought to be now.

I will be the first to admit, I was broken. I was depressed, I stopped eating, I stopped socializing, I quit doing almost all of my obligations, I skipped class, and I even gave up on God for a short time. I had become a Christian when I had met my girlfriend, so even my Christianity was connected to her. I was left asking myself the question of "Was it her 'religion' or mine?"

After a few days of struggling it hit me, since I had started to believe in Christ he had done so much for me. How could I possibly deny how blessed of a life I had been given? It was then that I decided that I was a Christian, own my own, without any other input. That was the easy part.

The next few weeks was filled with me pretending to be okay, reading my bible, doing my Christian duties. I even put on an outside mask, assuring everybody that I was doing better and that I was going to get through this. The words of a Mayday Parade song really spoke to me at that time. they said something along the lines of smiling on the outside and screaming on the inside. I tried so hard to re-establish my connection with God, I was forced to go through the motions as I led Monmouth Christian Fellowship, a group I had taken charge of over a year before.

I started comparing myself to how I use to feel, how I "use to be". I was seen as a leader on campus, whether it be in spiritual life, residence life, or my fraternity. I felt obligated to maintain that status, to keep up the look of being a leader who was essentially perfect or always happy and cheerful. I prayed to God every night to help me, to bring me out of the pain, to help me just move on and become closer to him. Everyone has heard the saying "be careful what you wish for", right?

That weekend I was going on a spiritual life retreat. The retreat's name was Encounter, this is based on the thought of leaving all that you're attached to (cell phones, computer, school) and truly trying to encounter God. I had been on one of these the previous semesters and felt quite moved by it. A few members from my group were coming along and we were to be sharing this retreat with members from Covenant Groups. I was immediately comfortable with these people, we connected very well and many of them didn't know me so it made for good pretending.

That night we went into worship after a message and for the first time in over a year, I truly reached out to God. I remember telling him how I didn't want to feel this way anymore, I wanted to feel the way I use to just after I became saved. I didn't hear a response, I didn't feel a thing, not an emotion, not a whisper of a thought into the mind of God.

After worship Jason Vana (the founder of Covenant Groups and the leader of the retreat) felt called to pray over us. The last time he had done this for me he had said that I was to do great things on this campus, that God would work through me, and that Monmouth College would be my training ground. I cringed at the thought of being told those things again, after all I was only pretending to be a leader, to be happy, to be a whole person.

I was one of the first people he decided to pray for. He stood me in the middle of these people that I knew as acquaintances, and began to pray over me. "You're not fooling anyone," he said "you're broken man, we can all see it. Stop trying to hide your feelings from us, we know that you're going through a hard time. What happened between you and Kathy was probably the hardest thing you've ever had to go through in your life. Sometimes God puts us in these places to bring us out into somewhere better. Stop, just stop it, you're not perfect, if you were you wouldn't need to be here right now."

I broke down at this, the overwhelming feelings hit me. I had lost everything I knew, the girl I was still in love with, my grades had taken a hit, my circle of friends had been destroyed since the breakup, I was losing my relationship with God, and most of all I had no one to relate to. No one I knew had gone through these things. I felt like my life was slipping through my hands, and after all the pretending, all the faking, it turns out people could see right through me. Even they could see that I was empty inside.

I don't think anyone in the circle that night saw my true breakdown. After I had been prayed for I went into the bathroom to "grab some tissues". I yelled, and cussed, and cursed God for putting me through this. It was the first time in my life that I had truly yelled at God for anything, that I had placed any kind of blame on him. It felt so good to not blame everything on myself, but then I realized, I wasn't feeling better because I was blaming God for everything, I felt better because I was actually talking to God. I had broken through some kind of barrier, something had clicked in my head, it all became very clear.

When things had been going badly between Kathy and I, I use to pray that God would change me for the good, whatever that change may be. That change was losing Kathy, there had been many things I changed in order to be with Kathy, and it eventually went to far. Yes, I was at fault in many aspects of mine and Kathy's relationship (if not most of the aspects). But the point was God had broken me down, he had taken away everything in life I had relied on in order for me to be able to finally rely on him and allow him to change me. Even though he knew it was going to cause me pain, he knew what I needed.

So what happened after that? I got up and joined the group to continue praying... no big actions...no life changing event....I had that realization and then went back to what I was doing. The difference? I was going to let people see my emotions, I was going to tell people what was going on in my life, the good and the bad. This is what God wanted me to do, share what he would eventually do in my life.

That is the reason for this blog, to share what goes on in my life, the good and bad. There is much more to catch up on in order to reach the present but this is where I will end this first part because this is the turning point in my life, this is where things began to change and that in itself is complete.