As most of you know I am working a full time maintenance job this summer at Monmouth College. The first five hours of my day, from 7am-12pm are spent cleaning rooms in North Hall. This task is fairly easy, washing windows, cleaning walls, scrubbing bathrooms, and vacuuming floors.
My favorite part about this time is the fact that I'm allowed to listen to my music while I do these things. I haven't mentioned before, but one of the ways that God speaks to me is in the form of music. This isn't necessarily worship or Christian music, actually most of the time it comes from the messages of secular music.
Just like the Bible, there are times I will be listening to music and a new message shows itself to me. This is what has been happening the last couple of days. Two days ago I was listening to a couple C.D.'s by a band that I have probably listened to at least a hundred times. Although I've listened to this band often, a new message spoke to me through their music.
It was the message of learning to love again.
It's not that I've been holding on to a hope that I will get back together with Kathy, but rather I am too afraid to open myself up to get hurt again. How have I come to realize this?
That is what this morning's music selection taught me. I realized that although it has been over three months now, I am still hurt from my relationship with Kathy. I do not want to be with her anymore, in fact I have now found myself being attracted to others. But knowing that she chose someone else over me still hurts. Feeling insignificant, abandoned, angry, and missing having someone around are things that I've been feeling at times, but have been burying inside.
Once in a while I will feel these pains and suppress them to where I don't have to think about them. I then tell myself that I've been getting over it, and although it is partly true, I have come to realize that I need to come to terms with my feelings and emotions.
This is another part of my "Summer of Reflection". I believe God is putting me here so that I may struggle with myself, so that I may face my emotions and deal with them instead of suppressing them. He is challenging me to face my pain, and rely on his help to go through it. He is causing me to reflect not only on my relationship with him, but my relationship to others and how I want them to be.
We all have our inner struggles. After we are hurt by someone, many of us tend to suppress how we feel. We either tell ourselves we will think about it later, or that we are in the process of healing. This is not healthy for us, as we suppress our thoughts and emotions it changes how we interact with others, and how we view ourselves.
God has challenged me to face the challenges within me, to go through the pain all over again, so that I may get through it. A friend of mine a few weeks ago suggested that I grab my music, take a walk, and go through all the painful emotions I possibly can, to confront them instead of hiding from them. This is what i'm going to do today and I pray that God leads me through it, and shows me how I may take strength from him. For this is something else I've been struggling with, finding happiness in his strength.
I will face my inner challenges because when we hide them or put them off, they get far worse than they originally were, they turn into things such as paranoia, bitterness, and depression. None of these things are healthy for us physically or spiritually.
As I end this post I challenge anybody reading this to face your inner challenges, to go through your emotions and come through them as a stronger person. And of course, take God on your journey with you. Tell him how you feel, even though he already knows. It is therapeutic.
Think of it this way, when we do something wrong...even if the person wronged knows about it, we always feel relieved when we finally tell them. We feel relieved when we tell our friends about something good or bad that has happened, do the same with God and you won't leave feeling empty.
What are the inner challenges God has presented you with?
I was challenged just yesterday to confront two important people in my life that i call my parents although they are not the ones that gave birth to me. I'm finding out more about myself through conversation that initially seemed uncomfortable, but soon brought me closer to them. We all put up walls to protect ourselves from others that may hurt us, and not necessarily intentionally. I let my wall down, recognizing that my feelings could be hurt but as i talked through it, it only got better. From last night's convo with the rents i feel more confident and available. Perspective, or empathy is one thing that i lack in understanding; so in order to comprehend how others feel in a particular situation, i need to confront them, even though it may be difficult. Keep fighting your inner battles and peace will be awarded.
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