Side Effects

My next post was suppose to be a continuation of my previous post "Turning Point." But instead I feel called to type this tonight.

A couple days ago my best friend and I started fighting. I will not go into the details because it is his business. The main part is that I was trying to hold him accountable and he didn't like that too much. I will admit on my half that I wasn't exactly tactful about it. Bottom Line: Miscommunication.

By the end of the night this had turned into a big thing where I stormed off saying we couldn't be friends because I don't believe in having shallow friendships. (I tend to be dramatic at times.) After pouting for a few minutes I headed over to my friend Jason's house. (He is my spiritual mentor and I definitely needed some mentoring at the time) Immediately he had my two best friends come over so we could all three talk this out. (The argument involved both of them)

This at first didn't turn out so well, we each told our side of the story and after seeing where it was heading I stormed out to finish some homework. Half an hour later I walked back in to Jason's house to find my friends still sitting there. I can't remember all the details but we started talking again.

What it boiled down to was my best friend felt uncomfortable with me asking him questions, he didn't like how vague they were. This is completely understandable and I should take the time to make him feel more comfortable considering I want to be able to counsel/console him.

So why is this post called Side Effects?

Here's the big part of what happened that night. I had been crying a bit already but then Jason mentioned the name of my ex-girlfriend (Kathy) and I lost it. I spent the next few minutes sobbing while he gave me a hug. (Thank you Jason) This right here is what that entire night boiled down to. Me being reminded that I am not all better, that I am still broken, and that God is still doing a work in my life.

What came out of that night was the realization that what happened between Kathy and I had a major side effect. What is it?

I stopped believing I can be loved or appreciated, and indeed still feel that way although it is something I am learning day by day.

For the last three years I was told by her that she loved me, that I was her favorite person in the world, that she would always love me. I was convinced that there was no one else in the entire world who could love me as much as her. She showed it to me everyday in the way she looked at me, the way she talked to me, and the way she smiled at me.

Now everyday I walk across campus and see her holding someone else's hand. Just three days after we broke up she told me that she didn't love me, that she would never love me again, and that she was basically with someone else. The next day I saw the new guy she was with get a text from her. It said "I love you :)".

Although not even my best of friends knew it at the time, I was crushed beyond what I thought could be repaired. The one person I thought for sure would never stop loving me, who had convinced me of that through a 3 year time span, had stopped loving me.

If she could just change like that, so could other people right? Although I didn't realize it until just a few nights ago, I stopped believing that people could love me or value me.

I was constantly searching for it, I needed to see it physically or else I couldn't see it at all. It's like being in complete darkness and somebody turning on the lights for a quick second. You are left craving more, and forget about the light that you had previously had. You just keep searching to have it again.

Jason help me to realize something, I was looking for love in the wrong places. I was searching to see it on someone else's face, and not look for it from God. This sounds like a typical Christian revelation right? Well maybe it is, but here is the difference.

Just because I realize it, doesn't mean i'm better. I still can't look anybody in the eyes when they tell me they love me,appreciate me, or look up to me. I am not better yet, I am still broken. That was the purpose of the other night, not for me to suddenly get better, but for me to realize that i'm not better, that I am still sick.

So this is the challenge in my life right now. To try to understand God's love for me, and let that be enough. Easy? No. Worth it? Yes. Why is it worth it? Because if I continue to look for love only in the things on this earth, I will constantly have to search for something new. People move away, leave, or die. Objects break, rust, or get lost. God is consistent and will always be there, before and after my life.

I do want to thank all of those out there who tell me they appreciate me, or love me, or look up to me. I know that this is something that I will get through.

The bible says in Romans that all things God will work together for my good. This is something that I will hold on to. Especially in this time of brokenness. Jason told me that God works things out in our lives that need to be fixed, when we ask him to he will Chisel off the things that cause us to not be in his image, but it will hurt. It does hurt. I still hurt.

God, thank you for caring enough to chisel aways my imperfections. Thank you for working in my life even though it hurts. Thank you for giving me the people around me who give me encouragement. Although it's hard for me to understand how they can appreciate or love me, I love them and I am thankful for them everyday.